Paradox Dad
by Dantriestobeproductive
Summary: The Second Hokage is determined in assigning this mission to the blond time-traveler. Naruto is not amused. Time-travel.


Time-travel still stalks me. Or my brain is stalking time-travel, idk. Also, writer's block is paying a visit, and it was a miracle this idea hit me strong enough to write it down, even if it's short and obviously half-assed, but eh. Horses, gifts.

Anyway, I fail at humor, so have this half-serious, completely ridiculous thing. With a Hokage I know shit about personality-and-everything-else-wise starring it, no less! :D (expect OOC, sorry people.)

Also, I tried to keep the timeline straight at least age differences-wise *narrows eyes* Tell me if I totally failed at it.

* * *

He looks at the bundle in his arms, and blurts, "You have got to be kidding, old man."

The Hokage barely blinks, non-pulsed.

"I'm not. Is there any problem with the specifications of the mission?"

"Yes!," he bursts out, barely containing his urge to jump and lash his arms around expressively, remembering the sleeping creature in his arms. He ignores the Hokage's glare, that seems to promise murder if he wakes up the charge with his screams. "I can't take care of him! Not possible!"

"His parents died in their last mission, effectively making him the last of his family. Was this different in your time?"

The question is pointed, loaded, and Naruto scowls. The Hokage's severe expression doesn't waver, most likely genuinely worried about the extension of the changes Naruto's influence might have brought after all this time.

They are always concerned. After all, as vague as it may be, prescience is a useful card to have in your deck.

"I don't know!," he starts to pace, all but trying to wrack his memory uselessly. "We never talked about that, okay?! It wasn't a pressing concern to ask about in the war, and before that I'd never meet him! But I can't do this! He's my _dad_!" Naruto stresses, looking at the stern Hokage with a pleading and somewhat hysterical look.

You'd be too if you'd just been told to become your parent's dad.

"And because of that, you are being assigned this mission," the Hokage answers, merciless, and Naruto opens his mouth to continue arguing, the bundle in his arms somehow still sleeping soundly. The Hokage isn't sure if to be annoyed at the blond or thankful at the sleeping child. "You are related by blood, Uzumaki, so the wards will let you pass. And given your thorough Intel about Namikaze's abilities," there Naruto refuses to blush. So _what_ if he'd payed more attention in class during their lecture about the Yondaime than during any history class, and even researched years later about his dad's life? He _had_ been his childhood hero, after all! "it's been decided that the more preparation he gets, the better. Even if it is at your hands." The last part is said with a frown.

Naruto scoffs, and a high-pitched scream stops him from what would have been a thorough defense of his abilities and character, thank you very much. Instead, the righteous anger turns into panic as the six-months old in his arms starts to wail his little lungs out.

"Shit, shit!" he babbles, awkwardly rocking his arms as he tries to not become deaf in the attempt.

The Hokage sighs, one of his 'I'm one step of committing Uchiha genocide' sighs, and Naruto bursts into golden flames as he jumps straight into Bijuu mode, enveloping the air around him in a soothing warmth. As the cries slowly subside, lulled by the not-quite-demonic chakra, Naruto gives his own sigh, this time of relief.

_Thanks, Kurama._

**At least it shut the damn thing off**, is the unamused answer.

"It's a mission, Uzumaki," the Hokage repeats when his point will be heard again without crying or Naruto's low attention span intercepting the message.

"But I can't do it!," Naruto says again, this time severally lower than the first time so as to not rouse the child again. For good measure, he keeps the chakra cloak. "I can't be my dad's _dad_!"

"Technically, you would act as his legal guardian, and the forge of papers claiming you as a distant relative will be included in the archive shortly," the Nidaime explains, frowning himself for a moment at the paradox the situation honestly poses. "You'd be listed as a trice removed cousin, or so."

Naruto gapes, mind trying to come up with a counter-argument to that.

"Bu-, but it can't be! Surely there has to be someone better for this mission!," he argues, looking at the bundle for a second before his eyes dart back to Tobirama. "I can't take care of babies, I'm crap at it! And I can't raise kids! I can take the wards in the Namikaze compound off or modify them if that's really what-"

"No," the Nidaime cuts sternly, voice reverberating with the command of a Kage. "It's an order, Uzumaki. You will take this mission, for the well-being of the future of Konoha."

That makes him twitch, body instantly freezing in a rigid line completely at odds with the soothing and power-filled air that surrounds him. The Nidaime's stern glare doesn't waver, and Naruto forces his body to slowly relax, his shoulders hunching in what only could be described as a sulk very unfitting to his age.

"I'll have to do something _really_ impressive if I want him to call his son after his dad, now," he grumbles, and both shinobi expertly ignore the headache that's thinking about that too closely.

"All the supplies needed for the mission and your charge's possessions are in the Namikaze compound. You will move into it immediately, and a check of the wards' state is recommended. You will be officially listed as out of active duty, and you will act only to my call until you are 'reinstated' to the mission rooster," the Hokage explains, and Naruto bites his sigh. He's pretty sure this is retribution for years of pranking and 'corrupting' Hashirama. (Ahh, but the pranks had been so good...The Shodai had been a _genius._) "This mission is an A-rank, and you'll be payed the quantity it deserves, part of it during the next few years until you are reinstated and the rest when your charge turns of age," a fleeting image of Naruto taking a child Minato to Ichiraku's to celebrate his graduation from the Academy invades before he can do anything, and Naruto frowns, mildly disturbed at his brain. "You are to train him from a young age, Jounin Uzumaki Naruto, and you are expected to initiate him to fuuinjutsu. Is that understood?" the Nidaime asks, glaring with a warning sobriety at the glowing blond, who's fully aware that the man has repeated himself just to make his message clear.

"Understood, sir," the Jinchuuriki nods resigned, and barely tightens his grip around the little bundle in his arms. He's still kinda panicked about breaking the child though...

"Dismissed," the Nidaime orders, and Naruto's body burns away in a burst of chakra. In the office, the Hokage deactivates the seals in his desk assuring the continued secrecy of some of Konoha's biggest secrets, and calls back his ANBU guards. Taking his brush, he looks a last time at the window, and the setting sun painting the sky the colors of rust and death and war, and sighs almost inaudibly. Then, he goes back to the current political intrinsics weaved in the form of an agreement between Konoha and Kumo to share common resources, mind still whirring with the echoes of the recent conversation with the time-traveler blond.

The words escape him in a soft whisper, slightly biting but excruciatingly honest.

"You'll manage, brat. You'll manage."

And he will. Tobirama knows that.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Naruto-nii-san," says a six years old Minato, looking up at his cousin with a serious face, "can I call you 'oto-san'*?"

Naruto looks at the kid blankly, brain officially crashed.

At last, his most feared nightmare turned real.

"...Huh?"

"'Oto-san'. Can I call you 'oto-san', nii-san?" Minato asks again, unfazed by Naruto's eloquent answer. Naruto makes a remarkably accurate representation of a drowning fish, and splutters.

"Why?" Naruto asks, and maybe there's a note of desperation there. He doesn't care. He's near hysterics there.

_His six years old father wants to call him 'dad'._

"Because you're too old to be my brother," Minato says, still non-pulsed at what could be arguably considered 'normal Naruto behavior towards Minato doing weird shit'. Or fairly normal child 'shit', all things considered. "And we look too alike to be only distantly related."

"I'm not your father," Naruto blurts out, and the child's eyes widen, before his face scrunches up in something hurt and betrayed that is _painful_. He quickly falls on his knees, putting himself face to face with the kid, and his hands only hesitate a second before he's touching his shoulder and the side of his face. His hands seem to swallow both, with how small the child is. "No, I mean, argh, sorry. I mean, we are related, but I'm really not your biological father. Really, Mina-chan," the pain seems somewhat soothed by his words, but he can see that there's still a flicker of doubt, and fear that his doubts are right. Naruto thinks back to what a blood test would say about the matter at this time, and suppresses his wince. "Kid, if you were my son I'd be the proudest father in the world, okay? And I'd go around telling everyone about how my son is a little genius and the best thing that happened to me. Even better than ramen! I wouldn't be calling you my cousin without reason, you'd be my kid and that's it. You _are_ my kid, just not my son."

He doesn't break eye contact with the boy even after he's done with his little speech, and the child looks at him with equally fixed blue eyes. He can understand how it can be hard to believe that the uncanny resemblance (and there's so much uncanny resemblance, holy crap) is just coincidence, but Naruto can't give him another answer.

This is a real answer, anyway.

Blue eyes shift to the floor, pensive, and before too long Minato nods, shy again as his cheeks redden slightly.

Naruto finds it _utterly adorable_ when Minato thinks he was being silly about something. Or gets embarrassed for some other reason.

"But...," Minato starts, eyes peeking from under the blond bangs, and Naruto blinks. Normally, the child takes his words to heart and doesn't question him after he's reassured him about something. "But family isn't just blood, right? Family is blood and friends and comrades. Not just blood relations." the little child continues, and Naruto's eyebrows disappear under his own bangs at the unexpected tidbit of wisdom. "So...can I- can I call you 'oto-san'?"

Naruto opens his mouth, and finds himself unable to think of a counter-argument to that.

Much less with the kind of hopeful-but-fearful look Minato has at the moment, making his eyes glister under the artificial light's shine.

"Of course," Naruto says, smiling softly, and swallows at how his stomach twists at the idea of being called 'dad' by his own father.

The father he never had the chance to grow up with, not even knowing his name.

(There are some words Naruto wants to have with whatever deity thought it'd be fun to thoroughly screw with his life from the moment he was born, and then keep making things worse as time goes on to _ridiculous_ extents. And with 'words' he means _pound said deity to the ground_.)

"You can call me 'oto-san' if you want, Mina-chan," he nods to himself, and Minato comes back from inside himself until he's almost glowing, eyes shining as his mouth splits in a huge grin. "Just, it may take me a bit to answer to the name," he adds, scratching his cheek in embarrassment, and Minato jumps him, arms wrapping around his neck a little too tight, face too close to his to see more than the blond crown attached to the side of his face.

"Okay, oto-san," Minato says, voice swimming in excitement, and Naruto's mouth twitches into something that's half grimace half smile. Still, he hugs his charge back, and a thought manages to make the twist in his lips genuine, and mischievous.

"This _screams_ for a Konoha-wide prank though, kiddo," he says lightly, squeezing the little body a little tighter. "Up for some chaos and fun?"

Minato giggles, and nods his head excitedly.

Naruto has the best kid in the world, even if he's his father.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

When Minato meets Uzumaki Kushina, the first thing that he notices is that her last name is the same one his father responds to. When he later asks him if she's related to him, his dad chokes, face turning a sick color, and he quickly assures him that Minato and her aren't related in _any_ way. Minato absently fills away his reaction as another Naruto-being-weird incident, and keeps an eye on the foreigner girl, curious about her reasons to come to Konoha (not that she would've been the first exchange student with Uzushio, but still).

What he finds is a constantly growing list of similarities with his cousin, to the point of it being slightly creepy. (Or that's what his friends say; he doesn't really see why it would be.)

Kushina-san is loud and talkative, and her pranks are pretty good, if still a bit rough on the edges; after years of participating on and later only observing his father's various pranks, Minato thinks he can say that as an expert. She also loves ramen, apparently, and at least there they have something in common.

Minato is going to be a shinobi, and he takes his goals seriously. Because of that, he makes sure to get his Intel before facing the new interesting thing in school. And no self-preciating shinobi would do so without using their stealth skills as best as they can.

(Shikaku calls it stalking, but then again he's too lazy himself to do stealth training unless absolutely necessary, so Minato further practices his infiltration skills by feigning deafness.)

Yet, following her from and to school shows him little, except where she lives, that she apparently likes animals a lot (and his eyes bulge when he sees her happily petting Tora-the-demon-cat, Terror Amongst Genin, if his father's description is to be trusted) and that she has a very..._extensive _vocabulary for anyone that so much dares to look at her wrong. Minato always learns new words from listening to her during those incidents.

But there comes a moment where he can't get much more from following her around and watching her day to day, so he finally goes up to her one day to introduce himself.

It doesn't go as planned.

(To be honest, it's a bit of a disaster.)

In hindsight, Minato realizes that maybe appearing behind her after she soundlessly kicked a bunch of bullies' butts wasn't the best idea, but at the time he only gets time to realize there's a punch coming his way, and he barely dodges that just to meet a knee on the stomach that's _brutal_, and a flurry of limbs that make him meet the floor face-first. He could swear there was _hair _gripping his throat at some point, and Kushina-san's Killer Intent seemed visible and _red_. What is clear is that she thoroughly trashes him, and he wakes up in the infirmary.

Minato learns to stay away from people exuding Killer Intent after that. It also brings the disadvantage that Kushina-san apparently marks him down as an enemy, and proceeds to glare at him every time he tries to get close to her. It's frustrating.

And apparently being stuck in his self-imposed mission affects him more than he thinks, because his _father_ of all people notices and, one day, asks.

"Soooo, what's the problem, kid?," his dad asks during dinner, and Minato stops halfheartedly stirring his ramen to look at the man's concerned eyes, frowning in feigned confusion. His dad is not fooled. "You've been moping around lately, and you didn't even eat your ramen. Mina-kun, what's bothering you?"

Minato frowns, and looks at the table with what others would call a pout; Minato calls it his 'down' face.

"It's nothing. It's just..." he stops, and sends a glance at his dad's face, seeing that the blue eyes are still completely focused on him. Maybe his dad can help him? He _does_ get along with everyone even though his pranks some times get away from him, after all... "How do I clear out a misunderstanding?" His dad blinks, bewildered, and asks for a clarification. Minato straightens out, and gets his 'mission' voice he uses when answering to a question in class: he's convinced developing one soon can only do him good, and all practice is useful.

When he's done explaining about Kushina-san and the real reason why he'd gotten back home that day with two black eyes and a bleeding nose (he'd used the excuse that a classmate had gotten him by surprised during the sparring matches, and the punch had propelled him against a tree face-first. One of his dad's friends had sent him a disbelieving stare, but hadn't asked), his dad has his face in his hands, and makes an odd noise that seems unsure if to be a laugh or a groan. Minato patiently waits for his dad's answer, used to his weird reactions to the strangest things.

"Look kiddo, women are..." he stops, and shudders, and Minato thinks he can see his eyes misting in horror and fear, as if remembering something traumatizing. "_Some _women are more explosive than others, and with kunoichi you can bet most of them will be physical about it," his dad rubs his head, a grimace in his face, and Minato remembers that kunoichi his dad is friends with, and that's always been a bit _too fond_ of senbon for anyone's good. He nods, understanding. His dad continues, shaking his head wisely and crossing his arms, "The best thing you can do with those kind of people, is challenge them to a spar."

Minato stares at his father.

Silence falls over them, the bustling of the ramen stand coming back almost deafeningly in contrast.

"Oto-san, wouldn't that be... counter-productive?" he finally asks hesitantly, breaking the silence, and his dad gives him a bewildered stare. Minato clarifies, "It would defeat the purpose."

His dad frowns and closes his eyes. Minato yelps at the quick slap to the back of his head.

"I know what counter-productive means, brat," his dad grumbles, looking at him with narrowed eyes. "What I don't get is how it would be. You spar with her will show her that you play fair, and when you're done and still high on the fight rush, you can explain to her it was all a misunderstanding. I'm sure she'll believe you much easier after seeing you fight," Minato looks at his dad with wide eyes, genuinely surprised by the cleverness in that plan. It could even work and all... "It doesn't even matter who wins, because you'll both have fun, and it's a good way of making friends," his dad finishes, nodding to himself with a little smile, and Minato tilts his head. He wonders if his dad has made many friends that way.

(Knowing him, he probably has. His dad is ridiculously awesome like that.)

"And it'll actually have a high probability of working? Because my friends have been saying to try anything from giving her compliments to buying her stuff..." Minato asks, frowning as he remembers the different and sometimes contradictory advice.

"Hmm, yeah, I suppose you can compliment her forms and stuff when you're finished with your spar," his dad shrugs, and Minato nods with sobriety, already making a mental plan and writing down every step of it. "I'm sure you'll be best friends in no time," his dad smiles from ear to ear, and Minato replies with a smile of his own, smaller but happy. He's not sure why his face feels slightly hot, though... "Now! Is there anything else worrying you?" Minato shakes his head, and his father nods. "Then what are you waiting for? Your ramen's gotta get cold! Teuchi, another bowl of beef ramen for me, please!"

"On it, Naruto!"

Minato smiles at his father's energy, and digs into his food with renewed hunger and a much less troubled mind.

He's going to complete mission 'Uzumaki Kushina', yes or yes.

* * *

*Dad. To everyone confused about it, it means 'dad'.

The idea of stick-slightly-up-his-ass-chibi!Minato being reminded of his 'cousin' every time he talks with chibi!Kushina or sees her pranking someone was far too amusing to pass, and Naruto and Kushina meeting and her being like 'THIS is your cousin? No way, he's actually cool!' and then 'He even has a cool name! _How are you related_?' almost made me cackle. Sadly, I couldn't write that last part down. D:

Naruto doesn't know what he did wrong for Minato to grow up such a Boyscout Role Model, but Tobirama and the actual Hokage are thankful about it (and yeah, the post-Naruto-influence timeline is fairly different from the canon!past-timeline, so Tobirama is actually alive and just retired. There's also no Second Shinobi War, though the first one _did _happen. You know how it is, one single person can't control how the whole world spins...and I'm fairly sure that no war ever was evaded just by one person's continued meddling, much less when the other countries are happily pushing for it in their way to become top dog ·-·).

Rant aside, now an omake :D

* * *

The bar is slow at mid-noon, and Naruto relishes in the taste of his sake as he sips it, the full bottle next to his left hand assuring him a few hours of calm and peace.

Or maybe not, what with his mind refusing to erase the pangs of worry hitting his system from time to time. It's really annoying, because he knows Minato is more than prepared for the mission and, crap, it's just a C-rank mission anyway. Just a normal escorting mission.

(_Yeah, right_, the dark voice inside of him whispers, bitter, _because our first C-rank mission was 'just' a C-rank mission._)

He sighs, and watches the liquid shift with a little shake before he chugs it down quickly. He's far too sober for this.

**Good luck with that, then**, another voice says amused, and Naruto scoffs mentally.

_Shut up, fluffybutt. You're an asshole._

**Finally, after almost forty years of sharing a body, he understands!**

_Oh, shut it,_ he grumbles, drinking down another glass in one go. Ero-sennin would say that sake shouldn't be drank like that, but whatever. _What if they encounter a Zabuza? Or what if they clash with some team from another village and they fight?_ He makes a face, skin tightening in his face, as he thinks back to the current relations with the other countries. Not bad, per se, and definitively not 'brewing for a Third Shinobi War', but he'd prefer to avoid having a war on his hands, and for now everything he's been able to do was single-handedly start the first one three years later than in his first timeline (not his proudest moment), and barely avoid the second from happening. Yet.

Which wouldn't be that annoying if at least the Hokage _would let him use his Bijuu mode in god-damn battle_.

_I should be there with him,_ he moans, positively fretting. _I should've volunteered to go with his team, or convince Jiji to let me go with them, or something! Saru would've let me!_

**Brat, shut up.**

His mental anguish is cut short by another presence coming closer, and he glumly drinks his sake, politely nodding at the person who sits down next to him and goes head first for the sake bottle. He ignores Kurama's snort, and practices his own casual version of meditation until he's calm again and can continue to enjoy the sake without (much) pointless fretting.

The person next to him doesn't seem to have the same privilege, and slumps after chugging down a considerable quantity of sake.

"I taught Kakashi the Thousand Years of Death last week."

Naruto spits his sake.

"Wha-?!" he exclaims, looking at the Hatake with wide eyes (and even after years of knowing each other his face still slightly weirds him out, with how similar it is to what he remembers of Kakashi's) and expertly ignoring the killer intent the bartender is sending his way, undoubtedly unamused by having to clean up the trail of propelled sake. "What the- why would you- How old is he anyway, _three_?!"

"Three and half," Sakumo says idly, as if explaining the weather, and Naruto gapes at him, at a loss of words. "That isn't the problem, though."

Sakumo slumps down, head falling and hiding between his arms, and Naruto hesitates.

"What is the problem, then?" he asks carefully, trying to not think of his own experience with the One Thousand Years of Death, that one time when he was twelve. If Kakashi could do that since he was three...He tries not to shiver.

"The problem," Sakumo starts, with the air of a condemned man, "is that now he keeps poking every single kid he meets in the ass, and if he doesn't like them he adds chakra to boot it," he finishes with a sigh that sounds like he's regretting all his sins, and Naruto chokes again.

His sensei..._Oh my god..._

A high-pitched noise escapes his lips, and Sakumo chugs down the glass of sake the bartender gives him. Naruto refills it for him.

"Well," he starts after a minute of gloomy silence, trying to go for cheery and falling more in awkward, "at least there's no doubt now that he's an alpha."

Sakumo chokes in his glass of sake, and coughs. Naruto observes him from the corner of his eye, calmly drinking his sake and trying to keep a straight face. It's difficult.

Then, Sakumo starts to tremble, face hidden by the ponytail falling from his side and the hand on his forehead, and Naruto has a second to wonder if he said something wrong and start to panic before the choked sounds escape from the man's throat, and then he's chuckling, sounding eerily like a coughing dog, and then outright laughing to the point he has to hold onto the table to not topple over.

Naruto looks at the man, bewildered, but at the amused sounds he smiles, and before long he's laughing along with him, even if his laughter is much more subdued that the full-blown one he's never heard before from the usually-serious Jounin.

It's better to laugh anyway, instead of thinking about Kakashi's future as an ass-breaker.

Yeah, better not think about that _at all_.

* * *

(PS: I would've said 'ass-broker', but I didn't want to make this about financial operations ;D)


End file.
